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My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
LMAO