I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
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If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.