@urfavoritejoel: I say "Hey man, I got your back." He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. "Baby got back." I say
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@_ElvishPresley_: whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?! *pretends hand is a telephone* "Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!"
@NotOnTheMoors: You could've cut the atmosphere with a knife; disapproval radiated from every doorway. I'd missed cat feeding time by two hours.
@jwoodham: American cheese is just regular cheese that's not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it's fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
@mattgallo123: People ask me, "Matt, how do you do it?" , "Matt, what's your secret?" , "Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?"