@urfavoritejoel: I say "Hey man, I got your back." He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. "Baby got back." I say
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@CakeThrottle: I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
@therealeatwood: NARRATOR: Here we see the gentle reindeer gamboling in the woods… DASHER: [pushing stack of Xmas cookies] Raise NARRATOR: I SAID GAMBOLING
@KenJennings: Folks I'm seeing Trainwreck tomorrow night. Then after the GOP debate, I might go to the new Amy Schumer movie! Yeah, I went there
@caribbeankris: I've kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it's like to raise an "ungrateful little prick"