@urfavoritejoel: I say "Hey man, I got your back." He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. "Baby got back." I say
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@omgthatspunny: This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
@sock_holliday: The person that invented toilet paper is easily the most under-appreciated hero in human history
@zachreinert03: I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn't even notice I wasn't wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
@aLunchBox: Ignorant person: "You're Canadian. You live in igloos, right?" Me: "You're American. You live in McDonalds', Right?