I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
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[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Basketball
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…