I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
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I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Discuss
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
The two types of wives
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha