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Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet