I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
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HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess