I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
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My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”