I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
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i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.