@PercySleeves: I scaled Everest! And I give nicknames to fish.
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@batkaren: *lights dim in restaurant* DATE: did it just become sexier in here? ME: I CAN'T SEE MY MENU
@TheTweetOfGod: "Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops". Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
@Brianhopecomedy: Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I'm hoping that she's having an affair.
@robwhisman: [swipes debit card] *would you like cash back?* yes [gazes at photo in wallet of steve jobs johnny cash & bob hope, whispers] yes i would