Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
You Might Also Like
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*