@gavinpivott: I scratch your back, you scratch mine. We die from loss of blood.
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@SamGrittner: The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
@stephenjmolloy: Friend: Don't come on too strong is my dating tip. [At the restaurant] Her: Can you pass the salt, please? Me: Sorry, it's too heavy.
@Sarcasticsapien: This election feels like Tim Burton was writing and directing it and halfway through Quentin Tarantino took over.
@MommaWordsIt: Bonnie said I should join the Facebook like she did. Said its good way to get in touch with friends. Lord, at my age I'd need a ouija board