That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
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The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.