when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
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i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”