[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
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Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
hi why am I like this
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’