I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
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Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Said the murderer.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Ooh I do like a good funnel