I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
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Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?