I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
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We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
oppen heimer style lol
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it