@weinerdog4life: I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I'm crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
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@heidi420x: Peanut butter You're almost as good as chocolate Which is almost as good as cheese Which is tied with vodka -Poem about the food pyramid
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Why can't we feed the animals? Wife: They'll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away. Me: *looks warily at our kids*
@rockymomax: [x-ray] DOCTOR: wow ME: what DOCTOR: I don't know, there's a bunch of- ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
@KimmyMonte: Sometimes, late at night, I'll look up at the stars and wonder if you're also stealing lawn furniture.