I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
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given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.