ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
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Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Quadruple digit IQ
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
not to brag, but mine was free
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex