I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
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*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical