I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
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10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
#inspiration #foodforthought
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *