I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
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Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
This is why I hate group projects
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Who.
Did.
This?
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays