@stockejock: I scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
@MarlonBrandNO: I stuffed my mom last night. I know you're thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that's gross but jokes on you I'm a taxidermist
@murrman5: sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
@kodeeezzzy: Why is it called "Alien vs Predator"? Isn't predator an alien too? They should've just called it "Some Aliens"
@dance_blessed: Dear car commercials,
You probably don't mean to scare me but "German engineering" is also why I don't have so many cousins today.
@flashember: DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS