I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
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I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off