[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
You Might Also Like
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK