[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
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Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
A bold strategy
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…