i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
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A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.