i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
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My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
A great tip. #CakeRex
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time