I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
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[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Donkey Kong sommelier
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x