I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
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How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.