I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
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Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children