Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
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I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Banderslack Clamberdorch
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.