I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
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[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡