I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
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[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
I have a new favorite meme page
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works