My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
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I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.