I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
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Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN