I see that your IQ test came back negative.
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Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Worst bar ever.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
car not found
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”