Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
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Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Yoga Matt
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated