Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
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Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
i made a craigslist ad !
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.