Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
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On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now