I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
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DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
how much for the angry fruit?
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).