I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
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My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*