A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
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cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical