I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
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Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.