I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
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Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.