I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
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Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.