“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
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toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Twitter fine art
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Breaking news:
#parenting
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.