“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
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They did not miss in the small print
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
I’m Sold!
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene