Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
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I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.