I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
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fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.