I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
You Might Also Like
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume