[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
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When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
“The Perfect Relationship”
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Ugh
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Roses are red
Violets are blue…